Human beings will do anything, anything. I am convinced. That’s why when all those beheadings started in Iraq, it didn’t bother me. A lot of people here were horrified, “Whaaaa, beheadings! Beheadings!” What, are you fucking surprised? Just one more form of extreme human behavior. Besides, who cares about some mercenary civilian contractor from Oklahoma who gets his head cut off? Fuck ‘em. Hey Jack, you don’t want to get your head cut off? Stay the fuck in Oklahoma. They ain’t cuttin’ off heads in Oklahoma, far as I know. But I do know this: you strap on a gun and go struttin’ around some other man’s country, you’d better be ready for some action, Jack. People are touchy about that sort of thing. And let me ask you this… this is a moral question, not rhetorical, I’m looking for the answer: what is the moral difference between cuttin’ off one guy’s head, or two, or three, or five, or ten - and dropping a big bomb on a hospital and killing a whole bunch of sick kids? Has anybody in authority given you an explanation of the difference?
—George Carlin, 2005
Let’s get back to Ronald Reagan and his criminal gang. When last we left them, they were going to get government off our back. Yeah, but when it comes to abortion, they don’t mind government being in a woman’s uterus, do they? Back’s no good, but uterus ok. They call themselves ‘right to lifers’. What a perversion of English language. Right to lifers. You realize that most of them are in favor of the death penalty, they support the South American death squads, they’re against gun control and nuclear weapons control? When they say right to life, they’re talking about THEIR right to decide which people should live or die. So these right wingers, these Reagan people, these crypto-fascists; they’re against homosexuality, they’re against abortion, they’re against pornography, they’re against sex education. Yeah, they’ll get government off your back, but they’re going to tell you how to live your sex life. And let me ask this: how would they know anything about it? Have you taken a look at those people? No wonder they’re afraid of their bodies, take a look at them. Doesn’t it strike you are mildly ironic that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?
—George Carlin, on Reagan Administration
Here’s another pack of genetic defectives who ought to be locked into portable toilets and set on fire: These people who at Christmas time send you pictures of their children. Pictures you didn’t ask for, and you don’t want. But it is kinda fun throwing the pictures away, right? What’s this? Luann is 12 this year? Fuck Luann! Like I give a shit how old she is. Does she have any tits yet? Send me a picture of Luann’s tits! Then I know I’ll have a Happy New Year, too! Then, just to compound your holiday pleasure, they enclose a family newsletter. Just what you were hoping for! News about people you can barely fucking remember. ‘We’re so proud of Brad, he was accepted into dental school!’ Yeah, in the Philippines, after 4 tries. Fuck Brad and everybody who looks like Brad! Judging by his picture, I think he’s jacking-off too much. Keep him away from Luann!
—George Carlin, Complaints and Grievances
Julie Fletcher (Australia), Lost Souls (Runner-up for Astronomy Photographer of the Year 2014 in the People and Space Category)
There are two ways to think about this existence we have. One of them is that it’s Wednesday and it’s three fifteen and we’re talking here in my home, and at four o’clock I have to leave for another meeting. Now, that’s a reality. But there’s another reality. We’re in the solar system of a second-rate star, three quarters of the way out on a spiral arm of an average galaxy in a thing called the Local Group. And ours is only one of billions of galaxies, each of which has billions of stars. Some star systems are binary, and there could be a planet that revolves around a center of gravity between two binary stars. So you’d have two sunrises and two sunsets every day. One could be a red giant, the other a white dwarf; two different-sized, -shaped and -colored suns in the sky. And there might be other planets and comets. In other words, fuck Wednesday, fuck three fifteen, fuck four o’clock, fuck the United States, fuck the earth. It’s all temporal bullshit. I like thinking about being out there and not thinking about the corporate structure, not worrying about freedom and not worrying about guns. I chose a life of ideas. That entertains me. That nourishes me.
The Sexy Lie: Caroline Heldman at TED
Of course the only person that should be held responsible is the hacker, that goes without saying. But we do need to acknowledge the fact that people like Kate Upton are multi-millionaries because of the pure luck of genetics. The fact that we have a society that does this is far more hideous than the fact that someone stole her pictures. Of course they’re going to! We’ve created these people with jobs in which they’re worshipped for absolutely nothing, how is that ever going to lead to something good?
—Reader response to independent.co.uk article, We have no right to see Jennifer Lawrence’s nude photos. We do not own her body.
You UK citizens have the genetic diversity of a litter of puppies and still can’t shut up about your racial and national identity, it’s fucking obnoxious.
And even if you’re your own country, Americans will still think that Scotland and Wales are made-up places where dragons and wizards live.
—Internet comment regarding Scottish independence
You know how much threat ISIS represents to the United States? None. That’s how much. Exactly none. If there was a value less than none, then it would be that, but there’s not, so none is the answer.
You know what does represent a threat to the the United States, a bona fide danger to our continued existence as the land of the semi-free and occasionally bravish? Acting as if every person who says they want to turn the United States into dictatorial hell hole, is capable of making the United States their bitch. ISIS is a ragtag organization on the far side of the world, armed mostly with the discards we either sold to the last set of thugs (note: proper use of the term) who used the gear to cow their relatives, or the stuff we left sitting around because bringing the old stuff back threatened all those contracts for building new stuff. ISIS could no more threaten the United States than Lindsey Graham could punch God in the nose. The existential threat level is green. Or at least, it should be.
As the Deputy Undersecretary of Pogo might say, we have determined the source of the threat, and we’re it.